Monday, November 9, 2009

It Could Be

It could be worse

Yeah, but right now it’s pretty bad to me.

Never compare two people’s levels of pain, despair, sorrow, hurt ect….

There is just no way to compare.

I wish more than anything I could say that my head feels great and that I feel like going out and jumping right back into life, but I don’t.

I know that the people in my life mean well but trying to push me into going and doing when to sleep and telling me I don’t need to take this and that medication is well….not helping. Frankly, it’s hurting.

A big part of it is they want the “old” Brandy back. Well I do too. But I am not so sure that will ever happen. What if it never happens?

Everyday I wake up and pray that today is the day. That today will be the day my head decides to behave and not hurt. I have had an ongoing excoriating headache for almost a solid year. Yes, there have been breaks in the pain but those are few and far between. Now, just stop for a minute and place yourself where I am. In that one year, four brain surgeries, meningitis, hospitalizations, E.R. visits, blood draws, C.T. scans, spinal taps, PICC line, the list goes on. I have missed soccer games, volleyball games, awards days, field trips. The list goes on and on.

Today is my birthday……

What do I wish for? What do I want for my birthday?

I have a very simple wish and want this year.

I want to be pain free.

But what I really want;

I want to wake up everyday and my head not hurt.

I want to not have to take any medication, not even a vitamin. I only want to have to see a Doctor for a yearly physical or maybe just a nasty cold. I want my long hair back and these scarves and wigs thrown away. I want the scars on my stomach and arms to be faded away. I want to be able to sleep like a normal person without the help of a sleeping pill.

Above all, all I really want for my birthday is what and who I used to be. I am just not sure that will ever happen and maybe it is time to start to acknowledge that and learn how to cope with who the new me is.

So Happy Birthday to me and here’s hoping that 31 is a heck of a lot better than 30!

I found this quote and thought it was something to ponder.

“When life veers from the course you had planned out, re-evaluate your priorities and maybe you’ll find that what you have is better than what you had planned”

1 comment:

  1. "It could be worse. Yeah, but right now it’s pretty bad to me."

    That is exactly 100% how I feel right now, too. Here's to both of us finding that break in pain...