Sunday, May 3, 2009

A Happy Place..A Laughing Place...

A Happy Place…. A laughing Place

There are places in time that we laugh and smile. There are places in time that we remember and laugh. These are our happy places. When things are bad in our current life we go back to our “happy place” to get us through.

I find myself doing that a lot these days. Rembering those happy places and times. Rembering the laughter and smiles that go with that. Wishing that I could recreate those moments.

But I know that I cannot. I know that I have to make new happy memories.

Why does that seem so daunting at the moment?
So unrealistic?

You tell me?

Because to be very honest I have I hard time these days finding anything worth laughter.

A constant headache is not worth laughter…..

Yes, my two beautiful girls fill every day with joy and wonder but it has become so hard….so very hard to enjoy…

I dare not give up... oh no.. no defeat for me…. But this has become so hard….so very hard.

I put on the happy face that everyone needs and wants to see….

They need to see a not hurting me..
A not in pain me
A living life me

What they do not see,,,,
Is the daily agony just to get out of bed
the pain the sun brings to my eyes
the pain it feels to wash my head
the pain it feels to dry my hair
the pain it feels to smile
the pain it feels to even care at this point….

What they do not see is what I try to hide, and that is what gets us all by.
That is what gets us all to another day. Another day of hope and promise.

IH has taken so much out of me that I cannot even begin to describe.
I never imagined life like this, I never knew it could even happen.

To sit here and wallow in the despair would be easy to do. Very easy to do.

I am trying very hard not to do that. Some days are better than others.

I am going to attempt to try and go back to work and to be honest it scares the shit out of me!!!! Not because I don’t think I can do the job, because I know I can , but because the IH is not under control at the moment. My head hurts all the time, my ears ring all the time, my eyes are constantly playing ‘games” with me.

I hurt….I hurt….I hurt….

There I have said it…

I am in pain.

It never stops.

It never goes away.

Yet, I need to make a happy place, a laughing place again.

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